Something I've been noticing about myself is that I take any opportunity to escape reality for a while.
Not in any deep, complex way. I just do it through watching a movie, or reading a novel. I think I would much rather get lost in a book or TV show, an interesting and emotionally exciting story about a fictional character's life, than confront my reality.
My life isn't eventful enough. There's not enough feeling or drama.
I think that's why I need to sort of get my daily fix. Whether it's through watching a movie, (which, not surprisingly, I love to do), watching a reality show, reading a novel, gossiping, checking other people's facebooks, etc.
And I don't think these are always negative ways to spend our time. I gain many positive things entertaining myself through media, or discussing that which doesn't necessarily have anything to do with me. I learn about various topics, other cultures and ways of thinking, I even learn things about myself through the way I react to what I'm reading or watching or talking about.
But I know that for me it would be healthy to be aware of how much I am investing reality and other people, and to balance that with how much I am investing in fiction.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
On Love
This stood out to me while reading the first chapter and the chapter on love from The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran:
"Who can depart from his pain and aloneness without regret?" (4)
I've noticed this in myself. When something happens that causes me pain or sadness, it's almost like I don't resist or regret those emotions, but I embrace them. What that tells me is I want to feel. I seek out any strong emotion that I can get a hold of. It's like something is better than nothing.
"When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep . . . though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you." (11)
First of all I would never notice the sword because I wouldn't know where to look for his pinions. Are you supposed to be looking at his pinions?
Secondly, I think I am naturally resistant to love because really loving others is hard and steep. The path of least resistance is always the most tempting because then I have enough time and energy and sanity and resources left for myself. Unfortunately that is the way I usually think . . . "What will I get out of it?"
I will plan on posting by Monday each week.
"Who can depart from his pain and aloneness without regret?" (4)
I've noticed this in myself. When something happens that causes me pain or sadness, it's almost like I don't resist or regret those emotions, but I embrace them. What that tells me is I want to feel. I seek out any strong emotion that I can get a hold of. It's like something is better than nothing.
"When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep . . . though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you." (11)
First of all I would never notice the sword because I wouldn't know where to look for his pinions. Are you supposed to be looking at his pinions?
Secondly, I think I am naturally resistant to love because really loving others is hard and steep. The path of least resistance is always the most tempting because then I have enough time and energy and sanity and resources left for myself. Unfortunately that is the way I usually think . . . "What will I get out of it?"
I will plan on posting by Monday each week.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Relation
How is it that you interact with God? What is it like?
How do you experience him? Or do you just learn about him?
I have been exploring these questions lately. I've sort of come to the conclusion that I don't really experience or interact with God. In fact I'm rather scared of and intimidated by him.
Yes, God, I am intimidated by you. I'm sorry.
And I don't think I should be. I don't have a good reason.
One of my explanations, to try make sense to myself of why I feel this way, is that I don't really understand God. I know it's impossible for anyone to entirely "understand" God. But what bothers me is that I don't understand how to be in a relationship with him, how to relate to him, so most times I just don't. I would like to think that I do, but the truth is I usually avoid him.
And as humans, we are naturally fearful or skeptical of things or people that we don't understand. It's easier for us to live if we only deal with people just like us. It's easier for us to sleep if we don't challenge ourselves with different ways of thinking.
It wasn't always this way either. I have this memory of a period of time in my life in which I felt sure of things. I remember praying often, enjoying worship, and feeling quite connected to God.
I'm not quite sure what changed, though.
How do you experience him? Or do you just learn about him?
I have been exploring these questions lately. I've sort of come to the conclusion that I don't really experience or interact with God. In fact I'm rather scared of and intimidated by him.
Yes, God, I am intimidated by you. I'm sorry.
And I don't think I should be. I don't have a good reason.
One of my explanations, to try make sense to myself of why I feel this way, is that I don't really understand God. I know it's impossible for anyone to entirely "understand" God. But what bothers me is that I don't understand how to be in a relationship with him, how to relate to him, so most times I just don't. I would like to think that I do, but the truth is I usually avoid him.
And as humans, we are naturally fearful or skeptical of things or people that we don't understand. It's easier for us to live if we only deal with people just like us. It's easier for us to sleep if we don't challenge ourselves with different ways of thinking.
It wasn't always this way either. I have this memory of a period of time in my life in which I felt sure of things. I remember praying often, enjoying worship, and feeling quite connected to God.
I'm not quite sure what changed, though.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Motivation
Maybe it's the point I'm at in life.
Maybe it's my job.
Maybe it's depression or anxiety.
Maybe it's because winter (the slow death of nature) is coming back.
Maybe I'm just being dramatic or self-indulgent.
Maybe it's all that. Or none of it.
Nonetheless, it's recently been a struggle for me to do the things in life that I used to be quite passionate about.
And I'm not entirely hopeless, it's more like a roller coaster experience. A kiddie roller coaster, like The Mild Thing at Valleyfair. Pretty flat for the most part with moments of mild inspiration and excitement.
Some days I'll spend quiet time by myself. This is good for me. Sometimes it slows down my thoughts and emotions and leads me to prayer. Or I'll have an encouraging or thought-provoking conversation with a friend. Things like this motivate me and remind me of passions of mine that I've forgotten.
But often the motivation doesn't last very long. I return to feeling bored. Too tired. A lack of purpose.
For obvious reasons this concerns me. But what really gets my goat is that I guess I've always believed that my life would progressively get better. More exciting. I thought that with each year I would gain knowledge, friendships, understanding. I thought my spiritual life would be constantly improving. I thought I be a professional pray-er and theologian. Yet I seem to be acquiring more burdens and more questions. And I thought that by this time I would have nailed down my purpose in life, and be well on my way to . . . who knows where.
Maybe it's my job.
Maybe it's depression or anxiety.
Maybe it's because winter (the slow death of nature) is coming back.
Maybe I'm just being dramatic or self-indulgent.
Maybe it's all that. Or none of it.
Nonetheless, it's recently been a struggle for me to do the things in life that I used to be quite passionate about.
And I'm not entirely hopeless, it's more like a roller coaster experience. A kiddie roller coaster, like The Mild Thing at Valleyfair. Pretty flat for the most part with moments of mild inspiration and excitement.
Some days I'll spend quiet time by myself. This is good for me. Sometimes it slows down my thoughts and emotions and leads me to prayer. Or I'll have an encouraging or thought-provoking conversation with a friend. Things like this motivate me and remind me of passions of mine that I've forgotten.
But often the motivation doesn't last very long. I return to feeling bored. Too tired. A lack of purpose.
For obvious reasons this concerns me. But what really gets my goat is that I guess I've always believed that my life would progressively get better. More exciting. I thought that with each year I would gain knowledge, friendships, understanding. I thought my spiritual life would be constantly improving. I thought I be a professional pray-er and theologian. Yet I seem to be acquiring more burdens and more questions. And I thought that by this time I would have nailed down my purpose in life, and be well on my way to . . . who knows where.
It is truly disappointing for me that I see my life staying put, or even regressing in terms of feeling purposeful.
Of having faith.
Trust.
A feeling of peace.
I must take it day by day. And I must not overlook how much I have to be grateful for.
Do you ever struggle with feeling motivated?
What is it that gives you purpose?
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